I can feel you slipping away. It hurts just to think about it. The urge to cry has yet to conquer, but is fighting me daily.
Day one of meeting you was.. Amazing. I can still remember it. I can still remember the butterflies. Actual butterflies, those of which I have not felt in years. You made me understand a completely different kind of love. One I was proud of. Scary, but amazing. This love just couldn’t be real, It was too good.
I’ll never forget that day. You had a cut off t-shirt, and skinny jeans. Your hair was long, and you were so tiny. I saw you that day, and I didn’t care about anything else. The moment to finally meet you was what I’d anticipated since we’d first spoke.
Then I saw you, and my heart dropped. That smile, oh man that smile. Unlike any I’d ever seen. I can’t quite recall the last time I saw somebody with a smile like yours. Probably because it’ll never happen.
I’ve been feeding my feelings off of three days with you. The day I met you, The day I first kissed you, and the day I told you I loved you. Those three specific days, are the only ones that have kept me going. They are the most memorable, and the most amazing I’ve had with you thus far.
We have had our good days, but none like those. Some days are better than others. Than there are week’s…
Week’s of which.. Idk from one day to the next if we’ll be okay. I have true worry deep in my heart of what we’ll argue about next. Sometime’s I’m even afraid to tell you what’s wrong, because if I do in that moment, it becomes an argument. If I wait, it becomes a problem. You begin to tell me, “You’re still stuck on that?” And then from there, it just escalates.
I want you to be my best friend, I have nobody truer than you. I want you to be my lover, I love nobody like I do you. Most of all, I want you to be my everything, so that label’s like, “best friend” and “lover” don’t even matter. But sometime’s, I have to pick one or the other, because the other, or one, just doesn’t connect all together.
Earlier today, we were on our way out. Riding down the road on our way home, and I proceeded to explain what I’d thought somebody had said. Mistakenly, I was wrong. I felt the immediate tension of the situation, simply because my facts were incorrect. You got frustrated, and it almost seemed like you were sincerely upset that I’d even said anything. Your reaction just shut me down. I thought to myself, “yesterday we’d expressed how we should work on things like this” and here you are, getting the way you do when you get mad, or frustrated, or upset. Many of your unsettling emotions follow the tone you had with me.. We had to end the conversation, but not on a good note. I felt then and there in that moment that I just couldn’t be as careless about these things as you’d want me to be. It got to me. The thought of knowing even after a day like yesterday, we were still talking to each other like this, it hurt. A lot. more than I can express to you in words right now.
I’m sure, ridiculous is really the only word you can use for a post like this, but I love you, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have these emotions I do towards these things. My heart cries out for a better us, and we only get worse. I’m trying..
Anyway’s, after our little tiff in the car, I just turned my head and kept quiet. Thought after thought. The only thing I could really think about, is that moment, and the moment I’d first gotten into the car. Before that, I wasn’t outside exactly when you’d wanted me to be. I waited for you at work, and finished my duties. Once I saw you pull in, I dropped everything I was doing and said I had to go. It took maybe two minutes from the time you pulled in, and the time I walked out. That was enough to create havoc in your mind. I sat in the car, feeling fine, in a good mood, and all you could do was tell me, “I love how I tell you to be outside, and you weren’t.” I really didn’t know what to say. All I could think is, “shit it was two minutes. I left as soon as you pulled in.” Still not good enough for you. So I attempted to let it go. We got to the complex, played happy, and then left. Then my question came into play, and this is where I am. Here and now. With how I’m feeling today. I’m beginning to notice the distance our problems create between us. I mean, we’ve only kissed once today, and it was after the little disagreement in the car. I haven’t felt the urge to be alone in so long, but today.. Yeh, that’s how I feel. How I’ve felt, since our ride home. I’ve been telling you, ” I don’t feel good.” Which is true, I don’t. But not because I’m sick. Because I’m lost. The girl I love, just doesn’t seem to love me the same anymore.
I can mentally and emotionally feel it, and I can’t begin to express it you, because I know the only thing you’ll have to say is, “Omg..” As if my issue’s are too problematic for you. Like I should just bottle it up every time, and move on. I’m sure in your mind you’re thinking, “She’s really carrying this stupid shit on past our ride home??” I guess so, but you don’t understand the toll these things take on me, when all you’d have to say about it is, “omg.” I mean, right now, you’re pissed at me because I haven’t eaten your dinner you cooked, and I’m not acting like myself.. You’ve asked a handful of times what’s wrong with me, not with a tone of which you actually seem to want to know what is actually wrong with me. I guess the question I’m sometimes hoping for instead is, “Are you okay, baby?” A sign of concern, idk.. I guess that’s maybe where I exoect too much..?
I love you so much =/. And in a couple of days, we’re supposed to be moving in an unchangeable situation for 12 months. With which we can’t necessarily walk away from. I’m scared for us, I really feel like we have much too much between us that we need to deal with before we can move into a very much so official place together.
Now, I’m not saying I don’t want to, or I won’t. I am on the other hand saying, is it right? Do you really want to live with me for another 12 months? Because I’m at the point where I think I’m just driving you crazy. We can’t talk to each other without the tension, and we can’t even properly love one another without the toll on emotions due to our lack of passion. We have all of this love for one another, but what happened to the passion? What is our love without it? It can’t be much.. There’s a match, but no fire anymore. There’s love, but no passion. Correct me if I’m wrong. I’m not pointing all of the fingers at you, just so we’re clear. I know I too have been a menace of destruction in this. I know I’ve had my faults, but I have sincerely tried to love you unlike any girl ever will, and I’m not even trying hard to. I’m just trying.. But, sometimes.. Instead of talking, we yell, or just tell each other fuck you. Call each other names.. Why?? That’s not what love is about.. I want to fix this.. But my point behind this entire thing is this- I sense no passion in your want to make us better. I feel like to you, it could go either way, and it wouldn’t hurt you nearly as bad as it may hurt me. I might be wrong.. But I can’t tell when even a day later, we’re still managing to argue over frustrating situations, instead of talking, and I can clearly see your lack of want in me, and if I’m wrong.. You’re not really showing me… I can’t really tell with you sometimes, because sometimes you just build your own wall, and hide any emotion you have except for anger, sarcasm, and grief.
Once again, I love you. But we need to fix this, or when Monday comes around, we need to reconsider ourselves, and our option on getting a place together. I need this war between us to stop. No more insulting each other like we do. We seriously need to cut it down to just joking OCCASIONALLY, or not at all, and no more arguing, or getting frustrated over petty things, it’s literally ripping me away from you emotionally. I’m questioning us, and I shouldn’t be. We’re going on 8 months, and we can’t manage to go a single day without bickering at one another anymore.
Idk what happened to us, but I have the drive to fix it. I’m giving us a fair chance here, and I hope you will too. I hope we can manage to move past this monster in us, and find the love we once really had. Because without that love, we might as well be history and that’s the last thing I want. I miss the you that kissed me and lost the very breath inside of you, the you that told me how much you love me here and there.. I miss you.. And that is all I can say. I hope you can reason with me, and just see where I’m coming from.. Please.. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I just wan to love you.. That’s all.
I was driving home down Menomonee valley and I noticed oncoming traffic was a bit more congested by this one portion of the roundabout. When I finally saw it I almost crashed my car. I immediately turned around and drove all the way to Potawatomi just to park. Grabbed my camera and walked over to this piece of beauty.
Lets make this clear: this piece, if the guy got caught, would be a felony. An entire car, absolutely. I smiled at that because everyone was slowing down to look at this big piece of crime.
Step outside your comfort zone folks, bend the rules and make some beautiful crime.
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